Motherhood is the hardest job...

Motherhood is the hardest job, but also the most rewarding.  How many times have I heard that said?  But I really didn't get it until I became a mother myself.  

When the baby is on his umpteenth night in a row of waking up way too many times, and you go through each day feeling like a zombie, motherhood is really hard.  But when he catches sight of you and grins like he's never been so happy to see anyone, it is the best job on earth.

When there has been fish thawing in the fridge for 5 days because you never can find time to actually cook it for dinner, and cleaning the bathroom has been on your to-do list for a month, motherhood is frustrating.  But when you watch him learn new skills and have a "conversation" with you in coos and babbles, it is all worth it.

When the baby is tired and won't go to sleep for anyone but you, motherhood is difficult.  But when you pick him up and he instantly calms and nestles into your arms and falls asleep, it is very sweet.

When getting anywhere on time is practically impossible because inevitably the baby is crying to be fed/changed/take a nap right when you should be leaving, and once you finally do make it there, late and exhausted, you spend half the time in a back room feeding/changing/soothing him, motherhood is no fun.  But having the privilege of being a full time mom so that I don't have to miss his sweet little face looking up at me like I am his whole world makes it worth it.

When you spend 6 hours a day feeding the baby from your own body, enduring pain and uncertainty and all the ills that go with breastfeeding, motherhood is exhausting.  But when he is sucking happily and looks up at you content, his little hand reaching up for you, the title of Mama is the best one there is.

I'm not gonna lie, this stage is hard.  It is physically and mentally exhausting.  There are doubts.  Am I doing this right?  Will I ever sleep again? There is so much conflicting advice from books and well-meaning people. But this stage is happy too.  Who knew such a tiny little bundle could bring such joy, or cause such deep, fierce love.  Being a mama is harder than anything I've ever done, but also more fulfilling than anything I've ever done.  And I am so blessed to have this role.  Now I'm going to try to remember that tonight at 3 a.m.!

2 months old

Our little man is two months old!  

Weight: 10 lbs 12 oz, in the 10th percentile

Height: 23.5 inches, in the 50th percentile

He has grown so much in the last month, it is neat to watch.  He is completely out of newborn clothes (*sniff*) and we just switched him to size 2 diapers.  Developmentally he is right on track.  My favorite is that he smiles and coos now.  Mommy and Daddy will do crazy things to get a glimpse of that smile!  He has also discovered the joy of toys in the last month and he likes to stare at the dangly toys on his playmat and bouncy seat.  He will even bat at them, and once he grabbed one.  We've been working on tummy time to strengthen his muscles and he tolerates it for about 5 minutes at a time before he wants to be on his back.  He rolled over once from tummy to back, but I don't think he meant to do it and he hasn't done it again.  I still am counting it as his first roll though!

He is still eating every 2.5 to 3 hours during the day and 3 to 4 hours most nights.  He outgrew his Pack 'n Play bassinet and was waking up every time we put him down in it.  We tried putting him in his crib for about a week, but we had the same problem with him waking up when we'd put him down and we were constantly going back and forth between our room and the nursery.  I was desperate for some sleep, so we got him a Rock 'n Play to sleep in. He does better in it, but I would really love for him to consistently start sleeping 4+ hours at a time.  Every once in a while we get a 5-hour stretch, but that is rare.  Most nights he goes to bed around 10 and is up again at 1 and 4.  It is difficult to get him to go back to sleep after a feeding and stay asleep.  More times than I can count, I've finally put him down after feeding for 45 minutes and rocking for 20, and crawled back into bed, only to be woken up 30 minutes later  So far this has been the hardest part of parenting for me.  However, he is now napping in the Rock 'n Play during the day, which means I don't have to hold him and I can actually have some productive time!  This does wonders for my sanity, and the cleanliness of my house, though I still can never seem to be caught up on laundry or dishes.

Breastfeeding is going well, though I am still using the nipple shield.  But most of the time I am pain free, yay!  I have really started to enjoy it, finally.  I wasn't sure I would get there.  I don't love everything about it, but the bonding time is really sweet.

Time is just flying by with this little guy!  I love being his Mommy and I am so thankful that I can stay home with him.  I am living my dream!

Thoughts on Motherhood

1 day old

8 weeks old

So, I've been a mom now for 2 months.  Technically 9+2 months, but the first 9 didn't require any parenting.  And I have discovered that being a mother is most exhausting but also most rewarding.  I mean, I knew it would be, but now I REALLY know. I've heard people say before that motherhood shouldn't become your identity, and I know what they mean.  They mean you don't want to lose who you are as an individual.  But really it is impossible for motherhood not to become your identity at some level.  My baby was part of my body for 9 months!  And I will always be his mother.  It's impossible to grow and birth a baby who has half your DNA and not be changed by it. It is just amazing to watch this little tiny human grow and learn.  Xander is wide eyed and alert these days and I can just see the wheels in his head turning as he stares at something that catches his eye or learns a new skill. It is incredibly humbling and scary to realize that James and I are the most important people in his little life and we will shape the man he becomes one day.  That is a lot of pressure.  

I've also heard people say that you shouldn't let your baby run your life or control your schedule, but I honestly don't know how that is possible.  They are just so needy and unpredictable at this stage.  As much as I would love to be able to go out and do fun things with my girlfriends without the baby or commit to being somewhere at a particular time, it just doesn't always work.  He will inevitably need a diaper change right when I am supposed to leave, or be crying while I'm trying to get ready.  And breastfeeding means I can't go anywhere for more than an hour or two because I am the only one who can feed him.  If I try to do too many errands in a day, he gets cranky because his sleep is interrupted so I try to limit what I do so he can be home for most naps.  My life definitely revolves around him right now, and that is OK. One day I will again have time to read a book or go on a weekend getaway with my husband, but right now my baby needs me.

There are lots of different philosophies on parenting babies.  Sears, Ezzo, Ferber, etc. all have their own methods.  And it seems that people get very attached to their particular method and things can get very heated.  I don't understand that!  Every family operates differently, and as long as you are providing a loving, caring home for your baby, you should do what works for your family.  You swear by sleep training and scheduling?  Great!  You love baby wearing and co-sleeping, great!

I am not die hard on either camp but I tend to lean more toward the attachment parenting style.  I have a routine, but not a set schedule; I feed on demand.  I love wearing my baby in a carrier!  We get great cuddle time, I can get things done around the house, and he loves it.  It is especially convenient for shopping because he hates being in his carseat, but if I put him in the carrier he happily goes along with me wherever I go.  We don't co-sleep on a regular basis, though I will put him in bed with us in the morning if I want a few more hours of sleep and he isn't sleeping well.  He sleeps in a Rock n Play next to our bed otherwise.  Crying it out may work for some people, but it just doesn't feel right to me at this young of an age.  Perhaps when he is closer to 4 - 6 months old I will feel differently, but I will probably only use that method if I am desperate.  I exclusively breastfeed, we are doing a delayed/alternative vaccination schedule, and I plan to start using cloth diapers as soon as he fits into them.  This is what works for us at this point in time and I will adjust accordingly as needed.

Being a mother is a lot of work.  It is demanding, exhausting, and around the clock; one of the hardest jobs out there.  But it is also one of the best jobs out there.  Mama love is unlike anything I've ever felt and it is so rewarding watching Xander grow and learn.  I am so blessed to be his mother and I wouldn't trade it for the world.