June 2 will mark my third year working at my job. Honestly I had hoped not to hit this milestone; I so wanted to have moved on to better things by now. But for some reason God has kept me here.
It has been a difficult year for me. The drudgery of spending most of my time in a windowless office doing work I don't enjoy is draining. I count down the hours until 5:00 and I count down the days until the weekend. In the midst of it, I struggle to find joy.
This year has also been lonely for me. It's been a year since we left our church and it has been difficult for us to reconnect. I yearn for a community to fellowship with and friends to connect with. It was so easy in college and so taken for granted. I often feel isolated. I have prayed for this, but so far God has not said yes. At my best, I know and believe that God's way is better, even if it's harder. At my worst, I've felt abandoned.
I have been fearful of the uncertainty that lies before me, and frustrated that I can't move forward. I am weary. I long for renewal and peace and progress.
And yet it has not been all bad. This year I have grown closer to my Savior and that has been sweet. I have done a lot of repenting and a lot of studying and a lot of changing. I have experienced a Spring season of new beginnings in my soul, if not in my physical circumstances. I feel different this year. More passionate, more convicted. And it is a good feeling.
There is a song by Laura Story called "Blessings." In it, she says, "what if my greatest disappointment and the aching of this life is a revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy." I identify with that. This world can't be enough, and it is not my home. Only Jesus is enough. I often wonder what God is trying to teach me during hard times. That may be part of it.
I'll leave you with another song that is greatly encouraging to me, something I need to remember when all I can think about is myself.
"And I believe always, always, my Savior never fails!" And I am so glad that is true.
Well, I have to say that keep in mind that although things may seem tough at this point they will get better AND you are lucky enough to have James to go through them with. What you describe is pretty much my feeling since graduating from college, but at the end of the day I come home to a dog and cat (which I love by the way) but they do not provide the same companionship as a significant other. In my eyes (grass is always greener), having someone to come home to would make up for all the uncertainty you are facing.
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