Held

In the wake of the miscarriage and my father's death, I have felt so weary.  It is Christmastime and the whole world is colorful and happy, but I find it overwhelming. I can't muster up the energy to throw myself into the season like I usually do. I love Christmas, and I want to make it happy for Xander and James, so I have put up a tree and decorated, but the usual joy is lacking. Though I am functioning just fine in my daily life, I feel bruised; just a small jostle is all it takes to feel the pain. I will be fine, and laughing, and then a memory will pop up, or a hard realization, or a difficult circumstance, or even a sad TV show or book, and the tears bubble up.  I expect this is normal in the grieving process. I feel like I need to draw inward to protect myself - typical introvert behavior - I need more quiet time than usual to heal. And similar to how I behave with people when I am in pain, I haven't been talking much to God, not formally anyway.  It's not really on purpose; I am not angry or shutting Him out, I just can't seem to find words. And I have been feeling guilty about this. If I'm a good Christian, shouldn't I be spending more time in prayer? 

But today I realized something. Prayer is the way you have a relationship with God, and just like in human relationships, one person doesn't do all the talking. In my marriage, when I am hurting, sometimes James just holds me and lets me cry, and he does the talking. That is what God is doing with me.  He has been whispering through His word that He is with me.  That He loves me.  That He has not abandoned me and He has a plan through the suffering. That one day, sin will be vanquished, justice will come, and we will live with Him with no pain or sorrow.  He is holding me and whispering life into my broken heart.  

And that is OK for now. I don't need to be able to find words.  He knows my heart, and that is enough.

Last night around 7:30 pm, my daddy went home to be with the Lord.  He had been diagnosed with multiple myeloma (bone marrow cancer) in June, just 5 short months ago. He fought so hard to stay with us; he wanted to be there for his family, but God had other plans. At the time of his death, he was surrounded by his family and some dear friends, and as he took his last breath, the song "It Is Well" came on and we all sang that beautiful hymn together through our tears. We are grieving for us, but we are so happy for him because he is rejoicing in heaven with Jesus.  He suffered so much these past 5 months and it was so hard to see him that way. It is wonderful to know that he has no more pain or sorrow; he is whole and healthy. Dad was a Godly man full of integrity and he touched so many lives. He was such a wonderful father, husband, and friend, and we will miss him so much, but what a comfort it is to know that it is well with his soul and we will see him again one day.  God is so faithful and He will never leave us or forsake us, what a wonderful hope we have.

I am going to share a letter I wrote my dad a few years ago for Fathers Day.

Dear Dad,


 Words can't express how much I love you, respect you, and look up to you.  Growing up, I probably didn't appreciate you like I should have, but you are the best dad a girl could ever ask for.  You were always there for us, helping with math homework, and taking me on tennis and donut dates.  You and mom showed me what a good marriage should be, and without your model, I would probably be having a harder time in my own marriage.  Most importantly, you modeled the fruits of the spirit to me. You are patient, loving, kind, and slow to anger.  You love the Lord with all your heart and it shows.  And you are smart!  I never realized how smart and wise you were until the past few years.  Thank you for all your hard work raising us and providing for us.  I am so glad to call you my dad! 

Love you and happy father's day,

Kari

Daddy, I will miss you so much. I wish with all my heart that you had escaped that suffering, no one should have to go through that much pain. We prayed so much and it hurt my heart, but you were so strong and so brave and I am so proud of you.  I will treasure my memories and pictures of you for the rest of my life, and I am looking forward to the day I can give you a big hug in heaven.  What a joyous day that will be. I know that God is working his plan and He is good.  The Lord gives and takes away, blessed be the name of the Lord. Don't worry about us, we will all be fine. Give my baby and my Jesus a hug for me and I'll see you later.  I love you so much!

October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.  I am a little late but I wanted to share my story because every lost child deserves to be remembered and celebrated.

On September 3rd, we found out we were expecting our second child.  We were elated, another sweet blessing of a baby, and a sibling for Xander was exactly what we wanted. Having a toddler to look after and a lot of other things going on, I didn't have near the amount of time to sit and dream and obsess over this baby as I did with Xander, but we were nevertheless very excited to add another member to our family. The pregnancy progressed normally as far as I could tell.   I had several pregnancy symptoms, including a little bump that I was having a hard time hiding, but no morning sickness, which did worry me.  I felt nauseous with Xander for about a month, and that didn't happen with this pregnancy, but I was hoping I just got lucky this time around.

On October 13th James and I went in for our routine first trimester ultrasound, right around 10 weeks. I was so nervous, much more so than with Xander.  I don't know why, I had no physical signs that anything was wrong, but I had a feeling that I really hoped was me just being paranoid. Unfortunately my gut was right.  "I'm sorry but your baby is measuring much too small and I can't find a heartbeat" and my world came crashing down. They sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound with the same results, baby was measuring at 6 weeks and no heartbeat found. This is called a missed miscarriage, where your baby passes away but your body doesn't recognize the loss right away.  Knowing that it could take up to another month for my body to complete the miscarriage naturally, we opted for a D&C.  Yesterday after a third ultrasound to just be absolutely sure, and repeated hormone checks showing that my pregnancy hormones were decreasing, I had the procedure done. October 19, 2015, a date I am not likely to forget. I would like to include a letter I wrote to my sweet baby the day we found out.

My sweet pea (baby at 6 weeks was the size of a pea),

Today we found out that we are not going to get to meet you this side of heaven.  I am 10 weeks tomorrow but your precious little body stopped developing at 6 weeks and you have no heartbeat. We are so very sad, my heart is breaking. I had such dreams and plans for us, our little family of 4. I love you and find comfort that one day I will get to see you in heaven. Sleep with Jesus little one.  Life with Him is so much sweeter than anything we could have given you here on earth.

Love forever,

Mommy

It has been a really awful week, I will confess. Very emotional, very sad. Despite this grief, I feel peace.  God is gracious, I do not doubt him or his goodness. I am not angry.  I feel his comforting arms wrapped around me, holding me close.  He has provided amazingly wonderful friends and family who have been praying and texting and watching Xander and bringing us food and showing they care. James has been a wonderful support for me, though I know he is hurting too.  I could not handle going through something like this without my very loving and sweet husband. I feel very loved.  

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)  

My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

I have learned something through this trial.  When you know someone who is suffering or struggling with something that you have never been through, it can be hard to know what to do or say to make them feel better.  My encouragement to you is:  Don't say nothing, unless you are replacing the words with hugs and meals and other acts of kindness. Don't ignore the situation, or the hurting friend. I have been so very encouraged by those faithful friends who have texted or stopped by for a visit every few days, just to see how I'm doing. They don't have the perfect words, but that is OK, there are no perfect words.  The important thing is that they acknowledge our loss and let me talk about it, even though it's not a fun, happy conversation. 

" I may have held you in my womb only for a moment, but I will hold you in my heart forever" (Unknown Source)

2 Years Old

My last time putting him to bed as a one year old!

 My Xander Boy,

You are two! You are such a beautiful kid - golden hair, bright hazel eyes, and a fun-loving, sweet, laughing, happy personality. You are the joy of our lives, we love you so much!

You speak in 3-word sentences now, though most of your words are completely unintelligible to anyone but me and dad.  You know all the colors of the rainbow (your favorite is yellow), you can count to three, and you can identify a few letters.  You love to identify animals and make their noises. Your beloved paci is your "bubby ubby," you call yourself "doh doh," and you have a very cute habit of saying things that you like are "mummy" (yummy.) For example: "red ball, yummy!" 

You are 33 inches tall (10th percentile) and 27 lbs (50th percentile). You wear 18 month - 2T clothing and size 7 shoes.  You LOVE cars, trucks, tractors, airplanes...anything with wheels.  Your cars are your favorite toys.  We got you a Little Tykes Cozy Coupe for your birthday and you have spent most of your play time in it since  then. You love playing "saside" (outside) as well, and watching "meow meow" (Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood).  Daddy has made sure that you like "uhuhman" (Superman) as well. You do not usually ask to read books unless there is a new one you are enjoying, but we have book time every night before bed, which I adore. You like children's songs and every morning ask to "sing song" which means put on my iPod for you. Sometimes you will "dance," which is just you turning in a circle and doing a little hop. 

You are a good-natured, happy kid.  You do not have a lot of tantrums and are generally content and easy to please. You are affectionate, but not super snuggly (you're too busy playing to stop and cuddle).  You don't like giving hugs to people you don't know well, and you have to be in the right mood to give hugs to mommy and daddy.  You almost never give kisses. But in the mornings when Daddy leaves for work, you don't like it if I give him a hug without you and you come running over saying "family hug!" and we scoop you up and have a family hug. You will happily roll around in your crib for an hour after you wake up and you get overwhelmed by lots of people.  You are good at playing by yourself, preferring that I watch and give input and encouragement rather than actually play with you. We think you might be an introvert like me. You are getting good at following directions such as "stay there" or "throw this away." 

Our biggest struggle is food. You are a very picky eater, and we will be working on that this year.  You generally only eat fruit, yogurt, granola bars and pretzels, applesauce, squeezy packets, french fries and milk.  Sometimes I can get you to eat a carrot stick or some olives, but not often.  You will eat chicken nuggets only if they are from Chick-fil-a.  You will eat Chipotle burrito bowls, but only from the restaurant, not if I make the exact same thing at home.  You almost never even taste what is for dinner and it drives me crazy.  You didn't even try your blueberry birthday cake. You have gotten better about throwing your food though, and we are so proud of you for that!

Xander, you are our pride and joy and the best thing that has ever happened to us!  We love you so. I pray every night that you will come to know the Lord at an early age, that you will love Him and make wise decisions and good choices.  I pray that you will follow Him all the days of your life and that you will have a compassionate heart and be a light for God in this dark world.  Your name means "defender of the people" and we pray that you will defend the downtrodden and care for those in need.

We can't wait to see who you become one day, but until then, please stay my adorable, sweet, gentle baby for as long as possible.

Love you to the moon and back,

Mommy

When he woke up we showered him with balloons while we sang Happy Birthday to him.

20 months

Dear Xander,

You are 20 months old and growing so fast! I just love watching your personality develop and getting a sense of what you will be like when you are older. You are a delight.

You are my little introvert, my kid who will happily hang out in your crib for an hour after you wake up, just waiting for me to come get you.  You get overwhelmed by lots of chaos or noise and you will retreat to a room by yourself sometimes when there are lots of kids over.  At the same time though, you aren't too shy, and when we go to the grocery store, you say "hi" to everybody who walks by!  Several people have told me that you made their day.

I used to be worried that you might have a speech delay, but around 18 months your language just took off.  You are a normal boy, I just didn't know what to expect.  You will imitate lots of words, and have a decent size vocabulary. Recently you started saying very simple two-word sentences, such as "hi Dada."   You used to say "no" to everything even if the answer should be yes, but recently you have started nodding your head or saying "uhuh" to some questions, which makes communication a lot easier!

You love to play with your cars and trucks, they are your favorite toys. Especially your "dum dow" (dump trucks.) You also love animals and animal noises. You will lie on your tummy and play with your Little People barn and animals and it's adorable.  You get very excited when we go outside in the wagon or just running around.  We make you leave your wubby in your crib now, and you get so excited when we go upstairs and you see it.  You love to run the other way when I say to come here.  You love Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and ask to watch it every day, and it's a challenge to come up with some other activity when you have your mind set on "meow meow." You love smoothies, but hate the loud blender.

I hope I never forget the way you run upstairs for your "bapfff" (bath), run to the window every time you hear the trash truck coming, which you call a dump truck (close enough), or how your little hand pats my back so sweetly when you give me a hug.  I love your infectious giggle when Daddy is tickling you and playing with you...you adore your Daddy! I giggle when I call you my "little dude" and you repeat and say "dood" in your little voice.  

You rock my world little man.  I love you so much.

Love, Mommy

18 months

Xander is 18 months old!  It's hard to believe he is so big.  He is in the 60% for weight at almost 25 lbs, but only the 5% for height at 30.5 inches. He's wearing 18 month clothing.

Xander:

• Loves to sit in my lap and read books
• Is fascinated with animals and can do the sounds for a monkey, cat, dog, cow, fish, elephant and owl
• Shakes his head "no" when asked any question, even if the answer is actually "yes"
• Can (usually) correctly point to his head, belly, ears, eyes, and nose when asked
• Loves putting his shoes on to go outside
• Loves playing hide and seek and peekaboo, especially with Daddy
• Runs everywhere he goes
• Thinks it's hilarious to throw toys at Casper
• Loves to watch the goldfish swim
• Loves to copy facial expressions
• Is afraid of loud, unexpected or unknown noises
• Can't resist pushing every button and lever he can find, even though he knows it gets him in trouble (the washing machine is a favorite - many loads of laundry have been turned off halfway through)
• Finally lets Daddy put him to bed!
• Is very interested in trucks, busses, and cars, and likes to "vroom" his toy cars around

I think our little boy is going to be a cautious introvert. He is slow to try new things and sometimes has to be coaxed. He is not super adventurous, although he does get into plenty of mischief. He does NOT like to be dropped off at the nursery at church or the child care at the gym, and he cries as soon as he sees we're heading that direction. He does OK with a babysitter at our house though. He thrives on routine and he can be shy with new people. When he is comfortable and at home, he loves to giggle and play games and be silly. He dances to music, plays with his puzzles and cars and balls, and loves to go on walks. He is usually very sweet and good natured, though he is a normal toddler who sometimes cries and whines when he doesn't get his way.

He still talks mostly in grunts and baby sign language,but he understands a ton of what we say.  He signs "please," "thank you," "help," "water," "dog," "diaper," "milk," and "all done."  His speaking vocabulary consists of "light," "fish," "hi," "dog," "Dada," "Mama," "uhoh," "poop," "car" and "wubby."  A couple of those words he has just started saying in the last week, and many of them are hard to make out if you're not me.  He just started saying Mama and it makes my heart so happy.  And also it's dangerous because it makes me want to give him whatever he's asking for! 

He is still quite picky in his eating habits.  At any given time he will only eat a handful of foods, most of them uncooked.  Right now it's peanuts, fruit, guacamole, fish, and scrambled eggs.  The eggs are a new thing and I am THRILLED about that. But usually when he starts eating something new he stops eating something old, so it all evens out in his world.  I always try to give him a balanced diet, and some of what we are eating to try, he just usually refuses to eat it.  He will also eat junk food of course, but I don't give him much of that.) One day he will grow out of this, so I try to stay chill about it.

A month or so ago, Xander got a little bug and for a few days was pretty pathetic with a fever.  And then I got sick, and didn't have much energy, so during that time we watched a lot of TV, especially Daniel Tiger.  Well today he asked to watch Daniel Tiger by handing me the remote and saying "meow meow." Ha! (One of the characters is a cat who always says that.)  I was simultaneously dismayed that he is attached to the TV now, and swayed by his adorableness.

Xander is especially skilled at making messes, getting into mischief, and being exceptionally cute. He is our pride and joy and we love him to pieces!

Contentment: 2015

Contentment.

That is going to be my word for 2015.

2015?!  I don't know how it can possibly be 2015 already.  It does not feel like 15 years have passed since the year we rang in the new millennium and I started high school.

Anyway, I always feel reflective and pensive on January 1. What did I accomplish last year?  What do I hope to accomplish in the year to come?  It seems I always have higher hopes than accomplishments.  But that is OK.  Better to have high goals and fall short than to have no goals and accomplish nothing.  

So here are my concrete goals for 2015.

1.  Read more.  I always have reading goals, because reading has been one of my true loves in life since I learned how at 4 years old. I used to read voraciously, but recently I have found two major distractions that keep me from reading as much as I would like: technology, and Xander.  I can't do anything about that second reason obviously, but I can definitely do something about the first.  It is so easy for me to get on my tablet to check Facebook "real quick", and then 30 minutes later, I've wasted all my reading time.  I just need to be more intentional about not frittering my free time away. My actual goal is to read 3 books a month: one parenting book, one Christian or marriage book, and one for fun book.  I probably won't accomplish this, but it's something to work toward.

2.  Speaking of reading, I want to read the Bible all the way through.  I have done this a couple of times in my life, but I got a new Bible for Christmas, the ESV reader's Bible, and I would like to just read it cover to cover.  It's time I did it again.

3.  James and I have a joint resolution this year to be really good with our budgeting and saving.  When we were both working, we saved my income, so we didn't really have to be as strict with our monthly budget.  But since I stopped working, we have to be strict in order to stay within our budget AND save for all of our long-term expenses/goals.  We haven't been very good at this in recent years and therefore haven't saved as much as we should have.  It's time to buckle down.  On the plus side, come October we will send in the last payment of James' student loan and be completely debt free (except for our mortgage)!  That will feel really good.

That brings me to my word for the year.  Contentment.  Personal character goals are always much harder to track progress, but I need to work on this.  I always get very stressed when working on our budget.  Why?  Well, partially it is because being a grown up stinks - the government takes a third of your money, food and housing costs a bloody fortune, and there's always something that needs to be fixed or purchased or replaced. But a lot of it is because the budget reminds me that I have to exercise restraint and limit myself.  I hate to admit it, but this doesn't come easily for me.  I struggle with contentment and entitlement even as I fight against it.  It's not pretty.  

I get caught in a negative thinking pattern - I need more money, more stuff, more square feet, more luxuries.  We live in an area with a high median income, it is hard not to compare.  I don't live in my dream house, I don't drive my dream car, I don't have a smart phone, cable TV, or the body I had in college.  And I feel like I need more or better to be happy.  

Well that is a lie.  I will never be happy with more or better stuff.  I know that, and yet I still fight discontentment.  I'm not saying that I am not happy; in general, I am very happy.  But it creeps up on you slowly until you can only see what you don't have.  

So this year, I am making a conscious effort to choose contentment.  I have a God who loves me, a wonderful family, a warm cozy house, plenty of food to eat, and more stuff than I could ever need.  It is enough; it is more than enough. This year I choose contentment.

Whatever the cost, Thou hast taught me to say, "It is well, it is well with my soul!"