October 15th is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day.  I am a little late but I wanted to share my story because every lost child deserves to be remembered and celebrated.

On September 3rd, we found out we were expecting our second child.  We were elated, another sweet blessing of a baby, and a sibling for Xander was exactly what we wanted. Having a toddler to look after and a lot of other things going on, I didn't have near the amount of time to sit and dream and obsess over this baby as I did with Xander, but we were nevertheless very excited to add another member to our family. The pregnancy progressed normally as far as I could tell.   I had several pregnancy symptoms, including a little bump that I was having a hard time hiding, but no morning sickness, which did worry me.  I felt nauseous with Xander for about a month, and that didn't happen with this pregnancy, but I was hoping I just got lucky this time around.

On October 13th James and I went in for our routine first trimester ultrasound, right around 10 weeks. I was so nervous, much more so than with Xander.  I don't know why, I had no physical signs that anything was wrong, but I had a feeling that I really hoped was me just being paranoid. Unfortunately my gut was right.  "I'm sorry but your baby is measuring much too small and I can't find a heartbeat" and my world came crashing down. They sent us to the hospital for another ultrasound with the same results, baby was measuring at 6 weeks and no heartbeat found. This is called a missed miscarriage, where your baby passes away but your body doesn't recognize the loss right away.  Knowing that it could take up to another month for my body to complete the miscarriage naturally, we opted for a D&C.  Yesterday after a third ultrasound to just be absolutely sure, and repeated hormone checks showing that my pregnancy hormones were decreasing, I had the procedure done. October 19, 2015, a date I am not likely to forget. I would like to include a letter I wrote to my sweet baby the day we found out.

My sweet pea (baby at 6 weeks was the size of a pea),

Today we found out that we are not going to get to meet you this side of heaven.  I am 10 weeks tomorrow but your precious little body stopped developing at 6 weeks and you have no heartbeat. We are so very sad, my heart is breaking. I had such dreams and plans for us, our little family of 4. I love you and find comfort that one day I will get to see you in heaven. Sleep with Jesus little one.  Life with Him is so much sweeter than anything we could have given you here on earth.

Love forever,

Mommy

It has been a really awful week, I will confess. Very emotional, very sad. Despite this grief, I feel peace.  God is gracious, I do not doubt him or his goodness. I am not angry.  I feel his comforting arms wrapped around me, holding me close.  He has provided amazingly wonderful friends and family who have been praying and texting and watching Xander and bringing us food and showing they care. James has been a wonderful support for me, though I know he is hurting too.  I could not handle going through something like this without my very loving and sweet husband. I feel very loved.  

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end, they are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23)  

My flesh and heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26)

I have learned something through this trial.  When you know someone who is suffering or struggling with something that you have never been through, it can be hard to know what to do or say to make them feel better.  My encouragement to you is:  Don't say nothing, unless you are replacing the words with hugs and meals and other acts of kindness. Don't ignore the situation, or the hurting friend. I have been so very encouraged by those faithful friends who have texted or stopped by for a visit every few days, just to see how I'm doing. They don't have the perfect words, but that is OK, there are no perfect words.  The important thing is that they acknowledge our loss and let me talk about it, even though it's not a fun, happy conversation. 

" I may have held you in my womb only for a moment, but I will hold you in my heart forever" (Unknown Source)