con·tent

[kuhn-tent]

–adjective

1. Satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.

 

I have been having a hard time being content lately.  It's not that I want more stuff, it's that I don't like this place in my life, full of limbo and uncertainty and drudgery. 

 

Right now the road in front of me is foggy and indiscernible and it is unsettling to me.  I like to see what is coming so that I can prepare for it.  My problem is that I don't like where I am now, but I am afraid of what change will bring.  At least here it is familiar. 

 

So I dream about what I want my life to look like and wish that it might be so.  But then I feel guilty because God has given me SO MUCH and all I can think about is what I don't have.

 

I've always had the hardest time conforming my emotions.  Actions are easier for me. 

 

Go clean your room?  Ok I can do that. 

 

Give away more of your money?  Ok, I can do that. 

 

Be content?  Do not be afraid?  I don't know how! 

 

I can act like I am content, but actually changing my heart...I can't do that.  The only thing I can do is pray and meditate on encouraging verses.  Usually that results in God reminding me what I have to be thankful for and me feeling guilty.

 

I am awed by Paul when he said "I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." (Philippians 4:12)

 

I hope I can say that someday.