What I love about being a mom

Recently I was asked why I love being a mom and I found it hard to answer on the spot.  So I've been thinking a lot about it. Why do I love being a mom?  It's definitely not all those sleepless nights where I cried right along with my baby, and the following days that are all a blur of being so exhausted I couldn't form coherent sentences and I thought I would go insane. It's not the constant string of puke/pee/poop/half chewed food/spilled milk/snot that I have to clean up on a daily basis (kids are gross, man).  It's not having to put my desires and my schedule aside to cater to the very big needs of a very small boy. It's not even the more fun stuff like reading books, going on walks, or making silly faces.  If it was just that, I could get my fix by volunteering to babysit everyone else's kids.

I love being a mom because I love my son. There's just no way to describe the mother/child bond.  It is overwhelming.  It is fierce.  It is amazing.  You love this tiny disgusting dictator with every fiber of your being and you would do anything for him if necessary.  Every time he learns something new or I see a glimpse of his personality, I am cheering him on, so proud (as all of Facebook knows due to my excessive picture and video posting).  My hard work is paid for in giggles, grins, cuddles, and extensive cuteness, and that is pretty great too.  He's my little buddy, my sidekick.  Of course my love isn't dependent on him reciprocating and I know a day will come when I will be so very uncool, so I am soaking up this stage where I am his whole world and he still loves me.

The other reason I love being a mom is that it feels so important, so rewarding.  I am helping raise the next generation.  I cannot ensure that my kids will grow up to be all that I want them to be, but it is my job to try.  Unlike any of the jobs I have had in the past, this actually means something.  And that is worth all the sleepless nights and poopy diapers in the world.

Motherhood is the hardest job...

Motherhood is the hardest job, but also the most rewarding.  How many times have I heard that said?  But I really didn't get it until I became a mother myself.  

When the baby is on his umpteenth night in a row of waking up way too many times, and you go through each day feeling like a zombie, motherhood is really hard.  But when he catches sight of you and grins like he's never been so happy to see anyone, it is the best job on earth.

When there has been fish thawing in the fridge for 5 days because you never can find time to actually cook it for dinner, and cleaning the bathroom has been on your to-do list for a month, motherhood is frustrating.  But when you watch him learn new skills and have a "conversation" with you in coos and babbles, it is all worth it.

When the baby is tired and won't go to sleep for anyone but you, motherhood is difficult.  But when you pick him up and he instantly calms and nestles into your arms and falls asleep, it is very sweet.

When getting anywhere on time is practically impossible because inevitably the baby is crying to be fed/changed/take a nap right when you should be leaving, and once you finally do make it there, late and exhausted, you spend half the time in a back room feeding/changing/soothing him, motherhood is no fun.  But having the privilege of being a full time mom so that I don't have to miss his sweet little face looking up at me like I am his whole world makes it worth it.

When you spend 6 hours a day feeding the baby from your own body, enduring pain and uncertainty and all the ills that go with breastfeeding, motherhood is exhausting.  But when he is sucking happily and looks up at you content, his little hand reaching up for you, the title of Mama is the best one there is.

I'm not gonna lie, this stage is hard.  It is physically and mentally exhausting.  There are doubts.  Am I doing this right?  Will I ever sleep again? There is so much conflicting advice from books and well-meaning people. But this stage is happy too.  Who knew such a tiny little bundle could bring such joy, or cause such deep, fierce love.  Being a mama is harder than anything I've ever done, but also more fulfilling than anything I've ever done.  And I am so blessed to have this role.  Now I'm going to try to remember that tonight at 3 a.m.!

Thoughts on Motherhood

1 day old

8 weeks old

So, I've been a mom now for 2 months.  Technically 9+2 months, but the first 9 didn't require any parenting.  And I have discovered that being a mother is most exhausting but also most rewarding.  I mean, I knew it would be, but now I REALLY know. I've heard people say before that motherhood shouldn't become your identity, and I know what they mean.  They mean you don't want to lose who you are as an individual.  But really it is impossible for motherhood not to become your identity at some level.  My baby was part of my body for 9 months!  And I will always be his mother.  It's impossible to grow and birth a baby who has half your DNA and not be changed by it. It is just amazing to watch this little tiny human grow and learn.  Xander is wide eyed and alert these days and I can just see the wheels in his head turning as he stares at something that catches his eye or learns a new skill. It is incredibly humbling and scary to realize that James and I are the most important people in his little life and we will shape the man he becomes one day.  That is a lot of pressure.  

I've also heard people say that you shouldn't let your baby run your life or control your schedule, but I honestly don't know how that is possible.  They are just so needy and unpredictable at this stage.  As much as I would love to be able to go out and do fun things with my girlfriends without the baby or commit to being somewhere at a particular time, it just doesn't always work.  He will inevitably need a diaper change right when I am supposed to leave, or be crying while I'm trying to get ready.  And breastfeeding means I can't go anywhere for more than an hour or two because I am the only one who can feed him.  If I try to do too many errands in a day, he gets cranky because his sleep is interrupted so I try to limit what I do so he can be home for most naps.  My life definitely revolves around him right now, and that is OK. One day I will again have time to read a book or go on a weekend getaway with my husband, but right now my baby needs me.

There are lots of different philosophies on parenting babies.  Sears, Ezzo, Ferber, etc. all have their own methods.  And it seems that people get very attached to their particular method and things can get very heated.  I don't understand that!  Every family operates differently, and as long as you are providing a loving, caring home for your baby, you should do what works for your family.  You swear by sleep training and scheduling?  Great!  You love baby wearing and co-sleeping, great!

I am not die hard on either camp but I tend to lean more toward the attachment parenting style.  I have a routine, but not a set schedule; I feed on demand.  I love wearing my baby in a carrier!  We get great cuddle time, I can get things done around the house, and he loves it.  It is especially convenient for shopping because he hates being in his carseat, but if I put him in the carrier he happily goes along with me wherever I go.  We don't co-sleep on a regular basis, though I will put him in bed with us in the morning if I want a few more hours of sleep and he isn't sleeping well.  He sleeps in a Rock n Play next to our bed otherwise.  Crying it out may work for some people, but it just doesn't feel right to me at this young of an age.  Perhaps when he is closer to 4 - 6 months old I will feel differently, but I will probably only use that method if I am desperate.  I exclusively breastfeed, we are doing a delayed/alternative vaccination schedule, and I plan to start using cloth diapers as soon as he fits into them.  This is what works for us at this point in time and I will adjust accordingly as needed.

Being a mother is a lot of work.  It is demanding, exhausting, and around the clock; one of the hardest jobs out there.  But it is also one of the best jobs out there.  Mama love is unlike anything I've ever felt and it is so rewarding watching Xander grow and learn.  I am so blessed to be his mother and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

  

These Days...

These days...

I have lost all sense of a normal routine.  The only routine I can count on is that Xander will need to eat every 2-4 hours.

I have trouble remembering to brush my teeth.  Or if I already did brush my teeth.

I have redefined a good night's sleep as getting 3 hours in a row.  Sleep deprivation is no joke.

I am very much looking forward to the day when I no longer need to sit on a donut cushion to be "comfortable."

I am hoping that my body will eventually stop being so sore and start feeling like mine again.

I am enjoying chocolate cake, cookies, and other desserts on a daily basis.  Thank you extra 600 calories a day required for nursing!

It is a lot harder to get anywhere on time.

It takes 3 times as long to get anything done.

I could spend hours staring at my baby's beautiful face.  Who needs TV?

I love watching my husband rock and sing to the baby.  So sweet!

Our world has certainly been turned upside down, and I wouldn't have it any other way.  We're so thankful for our sweet boy!

Welcome to the world!

Xander is here!  Born at 6:37 a.m. on August 12, weighing in at 9 lbs 7 oz, and 21.5 inches.  I'll have to write about the delivery later, that will take more time than I have right now.  But I managed to labor for 27 hours and deliver naturally with no meds, and I am happy about that.  Due to his size and the fact that his shoulder got stuck during delivery, I tore pretty badly, so recovery is going slowly.  Breastfeeding is going well, though it definitely has its challenges; the biggest one being it hurts!  I'm hoping this phase won't last too long and we'll get the hang of things soon.  I have to say, new motherhood is a completely overwhelming and amazing experience so far.  My body is a train wreck, my hormones are all out of whack, my emotions are all over the place, and my life revolves completely around the baby's needs.  But he is beautiful and perfect and we are so in love with him. What a blessing!