4 months old

My baby is 4 months old!

Weight: 13 lbs 6 oz - 10th percentile

Height: 25.5 in - 75th percentile

This month Xander started laughing, it is the best sound ever! He also found his feet and will play happily with toys for 20 or 30 minutes.  He "talks" and babbles and screeches just for fun.  He can't sit up by himself yet but he tries and he likes to be propped in a sitting position where he can see what is going on.  He is also trying hard to turn from back to front, but can't do it yet.  He is an absolute joy and a happy, easy baby during the day.  We were having a bit of trouble with him arching his back and crying in pain while I would feed him, but our pediatrician put him on Zantac and he stopped! Sleep is our biggest struggle - we are all exhausted.  My little sweetie pie just likes my arms too much!  I have tried all kinds of gentle methods to get him to sleep, none have worked.  Our pediatrician told me to let him cry it out and as much as I hate that idea, we can't continue to survive on an hour of sleep at a time, so we may have to try it.

We are flying to Texas in a week for Christmas and Xander will get to meet his uncles and grandpa!  We are so excited about that!  Christmas is so fun with a kid.  :-)

3 months old

On Tuesday, our little man turned 3 months old!  He is officially not a newborn anymore. *sniff*

Weight: Around 11.5 lbs

Height: 25 inches

Xander is now starting to grow out of his 0-3 month clothes in height, though a lot of the 3-6 month clothes are too wide for him.  My long and lean little boy.  

This month Xander found his hands and he tries to shove his whole fist in his mouth, it is cute.  I'm hoping it is the beginning of him learning to self soothe, though currently it just seems it is the beginning of slobber everywhere.  He also grabs toys now, and of course tries to eat them.  He is definitely rolling from tummy to back now; in fact, he won't stay on his tummy long before he rolls.  He smiles all the time, and though we haven't heard a laugh yet, he's very close.  Some not so fun developments include very shrill screeching (usually when I don't feed him fast enough) and arching his back when he's unhappy.  Little stinker.

We finally weaned off the nipple shield!  This is a big accomplishment, but oddly, it didn't take much work on my part.  Every so often I would try to feed him without it and he would fuss and cry and not latch, so I would just put it back on and stop trying.  Well one day a couple weeks ago, I tried him without it and he latched and ate with minimal problems! In about 2 days I didn't need it at all and he refuses to eat with it now.  Each feed time is about 10 to 20 minutes, which is SO much quicker!  I feel like I have all this extra time now.  Sometimes I miss the 45 minutes of snuggle time/calm and hands free feeding (I have to be a little more hands on now since he has a tendency to unlatch himself a lot; I'm hoping that subsides soon), but mostly I am just happy for the ease and convenience.  And I was dreading the pain but I have only had a little bit of soreness, nothing worse than I had with the shield.  I am SO thankful for that!

Sleeping is slowly getting better I think.  We had a week where he would sleep for 5 or 6 hours, nurse, and then go back to sleep for another couple of hours.  It was heaven!  But then this week he went back to waking every 3 hours, and being restless in between, so that I was getting up 4 or 5 times a night.  Also this week he stopped napping well and would sleep for only 30 minutes if he even slept at all.  He was super cranky and obviously tired, and I would rock him for hours trying to get him the sleep he so desperately needed.  I really think his 3-month growth spurt is causing this behavior because it has slowly improved and last night he slept for 5 hours again, and so far today his naps have been back to normal.  Here's hoping we all get more rest soon.  He is still eating/napping in a 3-hour cycle and going to bed around 9 or so.  I am looking forward to the day when he will go to bed earlier and take a couple long naps instead of 4 or 5 short ones.

Another new thing is that we started cloth diapers this month.  It's an initial cost up front, but we were spending almost $50 a month on diapers, so it has been great to not have that expense!  I also really like not dumping all that waste into landfills.  And they are so cute!  I am a little bit obsessed with finding the best fitting and cutest diaper.  If only I knew the things I would get excited about when I was a kid...I wouldn't have believed it.

This month was Xander's first Halloween and we dressed him in his cute jack-o-lantern outfit.  The next day our life group had a Halloween party and we decided to go as Clark Kent/Superman, Lois Lane, and Superbaby.  I know, shocker, right?  :-p  I am very much looking forward to Xander's first Christmas!  

Motherhood is the hardest job...

Motherhood is the hardest job, but also the most rewarding.  How many times have I heard that said?  But I really didn't get it until I became a mother myself.  

When the baby is on his umpteenth night in a row of waking up way too many times, and you go through each day feeling like a zombie, motherhood is really hard.  But when he catches sight of you and grins like he's never been so happy to see anyone, it is the best job on earth.

When there has been fish thawing in the fridge for 5 days because you never can find time to actually cook it for dinner, and cleaning the bathroom has been on your to-do list for a month, motherhood is frustrating.  But when you watch him learn new skills and have a "conversation" with you in coos and babbles, it is all worth it.

When the baby is tired and won't go to sleep for anyone but you, motherhood is difficult.  But when you pick him up and he instantly calms and nestles into your arms and falls asleep, it is very sweet.

When getting anywhere on time is practically impossible because inevitably the baby is crying to be fed/changed/take a nap right when you should be leaving, and once you finally do make it there, late and exhausted, you spend half the time in a back room feeding/changing/soothing him, motherhood is no fun.  But having the privilege of being a full time mom so that I don't have to miss his sweet little face looking up at me like I am his whole world makes it worth it.

When you spend 6 hours a day feeding the baby from your own body, enduring pain and uncertainty and all the ills that go with breastfeeding, motherhood is exhausting.  But when he is sucking happily and looks up at you content, his little hand reaching up for you, the title of Mama is the best one there is.

I'm not gonna lie, this stage is hard.  It is physically and mentally exhausting.  There are doubts.  Am I doing this right?  Will I ever sleep again? There is so much conflicting advice from books and well-meaning people. But this stage is happy too.  Who knew such a tiny little bundle could bring such joy, or cause such deep, fierce love.  Being a mama is harder than anything I've ever done, but also more fulfilling than anything I've ever done.  And I am so blessed to have this role.  Now I'm going to try to remember that tonight at 3 a.m.!

2 months old

Our little man is two months old!  

Weight: 10 lbs 12 oz, in the 10th percentile

Height: 23.5 inches, in the 50th percentile

He has grown so much in the last month, it is neat to watch.  He is completely out of newborn clothes (*sniff*) and we just switched him to size 2 diapers.  Developmentally he is right on track.  My favorite is that he smiles and coos now.  Mommy and Daddy will do crazy things to get a glimpse of that smile!  He has also discovered the joy of toys in the last month and he likes to stare at the dangly toys on his playmat and bouncy seat.  He will even bat at them, and once he grabbed one.  We've been working on tummy time to strengthen his muscles and he tolerates it for about 5 minutes at a time before he wants to be on his back.  He rolled over once from tummy to back, but I don't think he meant to do it and he hasn't done it again.  I still am counting it as his first roll though!

He is still eating every 2.5 to 3 hours during the day and 3 to 4 hours most nights.  He outgrew his Pack 'n Play bassinet and was waking up every time we put him down in it.  We tried putting him in his crib for about a week, but we had the same problem with him waking up when we'd put him down and we were constantly going back and forth between our room and the nursery.  I was desperate for some sleep, so we got him a Rock 'n Play to sleep in. He does better in it, but I would really love for him to consistently start sleeping 4+ hours at a time.  Every once in a while we get a 5-hour stretch, but that is rare.  Most nights he goes to bed around 10 and is up again at 1 and 4.  It is difficult to get him to go back to sleep after a feeding and stay asleep.  More times than I can count, I've finally put him down after feeding for 45 minutes and rocking for 20, and crawled back into bed, only to be woken up 30 minutes later  So far this has been the hardest part of parenting for me.  However, he is now napping in the Rock 'n Play during the day, which means I don't have to hold him and I can actually have some productive time!  This does wonders for my sanity, and the cleanliness of my house, though I still can never seem to be caught up on laundry or dishes.

Breastfeeding is going well, though I am still using the nipple shield.  But most of the time I am pain free, yay!  I have really started to enjoy it, finally.  I wasn't sure I would get there.  I don't love everything about it, but the bonding time is really sweet.

Time is just flying by with this little guy!  I love being his Mommy and I am so thankful that I can stay home with him.  I am living my dream!

Thoughts on Motherhood

1 day old

8 weeks old

So, I've been a mom now for 2 months.  Technically 9+2 months, but the first 9 didn't require any parenting.  And I have discovered that being a mother is most exhausting but also most rewarding.  I mean, I knew it would be, but now I REALLY know. I've heard people say before that motherhood shouldn't become your identity, and I know what they mean.  They mean you don't want to lose who you are as an individual.  But really it is impossible for motherhood not to become your identity at some level.  My baby was part of my body for 9 months!  And I will always be his mother.  It's impossible to grow and birth a baby who has half your DNA and not be changed by it. It is just amazing to watch this little tiny human grow and learn.  Xander is wide eyed and alert these days and I can just see the wheels in his head turning as he stares at something that catches his eye or learns a new skill. It is incredibly humbling and scary to realize that James and I are the most important people in his little life and we will shape the man he becomes one day.  That is a lot of pressure.  

I've also heard people say that you shouldn't let your baby run your life or control your schedule, but I honestly don't know how that is possible.  They are just so needy and unpredictable at this stage.  As much as I would love to be able to go out and do fun things with my girlfriends without the baby or commit to being somewhere at a particular time, it just doesn't always work.  He will inevitably need a diaper change right when I am supposed to leave, or be crying while I'm trying to get ready.  And breastfeeding means I can't go anywhere for more than an hour or two because I am the only one who can feed him.  If I try to do too many errands in a day, he gets cranky because his sleep is interrupted so I try to limit what I do so he can be home for most naps.  My life definitely revolves around him right now, and that is OK. One day I will again have time to read a book or go on a weekend getaway with my husband, but right now my baby needs me.

There are lots of different philosophies on parenting babies.  Sears, Ezzo, Ferber, etc. all have their own methods.  And it seems that people get very attached to their particular method and things can get very heated.  I don't understand that!  Every family operates differently, and as long as you are providing a loving, caring home for your baby, you should do what works for your family.  You swear by sleep training and scheduling?  Great!  You love baby wearing and co-sleeping, great!

I am not die hard on either camp but I tend to lean more toward the attachment parenting style.  I have a routine, but not a set schedule; I feed on demand.  I love wearing my baby in a carrier!  We get great cuddle time, I can get things done around the house, and he loves it.  It is especially convenient for shopping because he hates being in his carseat, but if I put him in the carrier he happily goes along with me wherever I go.  We don't co-sleep on a regular basis, though I will put him in bed with us in the morning if I want a few more hours of sleep and he isn't sleeping well.  He sleeps in a Rock n Play next to our bed otherwise.  Crying it out may work for some people, but it just doesn't feel right to me at this young of an age.  Perhaps when he is closer to 4 - 6 months old I will feel differently, but I will probably only use that method if I am desperate.  I exclusively breastfeed, we are doing a delayed/alternative vaccination schedule, and I plan to start using cloth diapers as soon as he fits into them.  This is what works for us at this point in time and I will adjust accordingly as needed.

Being a mother is a lot of work.  It is demanding, exhausting, and around the clock; one of the hardest jobs out there.  But it is also one of the best jobs out there.  Mama love is unlike anything I've ever felt and it is so rewarding watching Xander grow and learn.  I am so blessed to be his mother and I wouldn't trade it for the world.  

  

1 month old!

Xander is one month old today!  

Weight: 9 lbs 11 oz, in the 50th percentile

Height: 22 in, in the 75th percentile

He has finally surpassed his birth weight!  Two weeks ago he was still less than 9 pounds and I was getting worried.  I am so happy to see he has gained weight! He has also grown half an inch and is now too long for his newborn footie pajamas.  He is wearing some newborn clothes and some 0-3 month clothes, depending on the brand.

He goes through 3-hour cycles during the day of nursing, awake time, and napping.  At night he usually wakes up to eat every 4 hours, sometimes 5.  We swaddle him and put him to sleep in the bassinet attachment on our pack-n-play next to our bed and it has been working out great.  During the day he usually naps while I'm holding him, or in the k'tan carrier, which we LOVE!  If he is fussy he usually calms right down when I put him in the k'tan.  We also introduced the pacifier recently and it helps a lot with the fussiness. When he falls asleep and it falls out of his mouth, he doesn't wake up and cry for it, so I am happy about that.

I am finally starting to feel like I'm getting the hang of things.  He is sleeping longer at night, so while I am still tired a lot, I don't feel like I just can't make it through the day anymore.  Because of the paci, we no longer have many of the long crying spells that put me in tears.  And with experience I am figuring out what soothes him.  I have learned when is the best time to take a shower with him in the bouncy seat in the bathroom with me. If I time it right, we can even run an errand in between feedings. 

I have learned that life with a newborn is wonderful and very challenging at the same time.  I have had to lower my standards for what I can accomplish in a day.  I'm happy if I can shower and do some basic chores.  This has been kind of difficult for me to adjust to since I like my house to be clean, and I like to check things off my to-do list.  I've also had to get used to broken sleep.  I may get 6 or 7 hours of sleep in a night, but it is broken up into 3 hour stretches with an hour of being awake in between.   When I finally do fall into bed, I don't sleep very well and wake up multiple times in that 3-hour period.  It feels a lot like sleeping with the snooze constantly on.  Breastfeeding is another challenge.  A month in and I still have pain, though it is much better than at the beginning.  I am trying to wean off the nipple shield and it is frustrating for both of us.  So far it's more of a chore than anything, but I am grateful that I can breastfeed him and I hope that it will get to be easier and more pleasant eventually.  But all these things are so worth it when I look at my sweet little boy.  He is such a joy!  

I can see him getting more alert and inquisitive every day.  He likes to look at our faces and out the window.  He makes the cutest little faces, especially when he's stretching.  I love his skinny little legs and feet; he's my long and skinny boy.  And he looks so peaceful and angelic when he's sleeping.  I am at the same time happy that he is growing and maturing, and sad when I think about him getting bigger and outgrowing these cute little newborn mannerisms.  We love him so much! 

Xander's birth story

Just a few hours old!

Warning: this is a post about Xander's birth.  I will try not to be too graphic, but if you are squeamish you may want to skip this one!

Giving birth is quite the experience.  It is beautiful and horrible, messy and miraculous, all at the same time.  And it changes you forever.  I don't want to forget the details of the event that made me a mama (well, some of the details would be nice to forget!), so here it is.

On the night of August 10th, I went to bed just like any other night.  But sometime in the wee hours of the 11th, something changed.  I couldn't sleep well, which wasn't unusual for an overdue pregnant woman, but this time there was a pattern to the discomfort.  By 3 a.m. I realized that the light cramping I was feeling might be contractions and started timing them.  By 5 a.m., they were 5-7 minutes apart and a combination of nerves and discomfort had me unable to go back to sleep.  When James got up, I told him I was having contractions and might be in early labor, so we decided to forego church and instead we did some things around the house to get ready, just in case.  All morning and afternoon, this continued without much change.  It felt like a cramp that started in my back and then radiated around to my lower belly, and was uncomfortable, but not too bad.  By early afternoon things were still the same, and I was getting frustrated.  A call to my midwife confirmed that I was most likely in early labor, a stage that could last 12 to 18 hours, and that I should go to the hospital when the contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.  While I was happy to get the show on the road, I was pretty bummed that my midwife wasn't going to be there for the birth; she was out of town until the 13th.  Finally, by 5 p.m. the contractions were getting longer, and by 8 p.m. I could no longer talk through them.  I used this time to use the relaxation methods I had learned in my Bradley class, and that seemed to help a little.  By 10 p.m., the contractions were sufficiently intense that we decided to head to the hospital.

I had several contractions just getting from the car to labor and delivery, and by the time they checked me I was 5 centimeters dilated and the contractions were about 2 minutes apart.  After the initial 30 minute monitoring period they let me get off the bed and I labored on a birthing ball for a while.  However, the baby's heartbeat kept dropping during the contractions, so they made me get back in the bed on my side with oxygen.  This position was much better for the baby, but much more painful for me.  By 1 a.m., I was 9 centimeters dilated and the contractions were almost on top of each other, and very long. I had read that transition usually doesn't last too long, maybe an hour or so, but unfortunately this was not the case for me.  My labor stalled at 9 centimeters because of a cervical lip that wouldn't go away.  I was so exhausted that I would fall asleep for the few short seconds between contractions.  The Bradley techniques no longer worked and it was impossible for me to do any sort of relaxing.  It was all I could do just to breathe; James had to keep reminding me not to hyperventilate.  I was squeezing his hands for all I was worth.   After 3 hours of this, I was feeling very defeated and like I just couldn't continue, so I reluctantly asked for an epidural.  But before they could prep me, my water broke with a pop.  Because of this, the nurses said I could try one push to see if that would make the lip recede, and sure enough, it did!

At 4:45 a.m. they let me start pushing.  This phase was just as painful, but instead of just being along for the ride and feeling like my body was tearing apart, I felt like I could help accomplish something, which was a morale booster for me.  Plus the contractions got further apart, giving me a little bit of a much-needed break in-between.

At 6:37 a.m. on August 12, 27.5 hours after my labor started, they placed a 9 pound, 7 ounce miracle on my chest.  Then they proceeded to stitch me up for an hour.  I didn't know at the time, but Xander's shoulder had gotten stuck and the doctor had to do some major maneuvering to get him out.  That coupled with his hefty size meant a 4th degree tear for me.  I'll spare you the details of that, but it means LOTS of stitches.  I am just thankful that they didn't have to break his collarbone to get him out as is sometimes necessary in cases of shoulder dystocia; I'll take the stitches over that any day.  I am also very thankful that my doctor is apparently a whiz at stitches and I didn't need reconstructive surgery which is common with 4th degree tears.

I have a lot of emotions about Xander's birth.  The biggest one is gratitude that I have a healthy, beautiful baby.  In the end, it was all worth it of course.  But honestly, I feel a bit traumatized by the experience.  I am glad that I was able to go drug free, but if my next delivery (yes I still want a second baby at some point in the future) is as long and difficult, I might seriously consider getting an epidural.  But God is good and my husband was wonderful, and together we got through it.  I was so blessed to have James there with me, he was such an encouragement and help, even though I know I scared him.  He kept me going and stayed strong for me.   And the hospital was wonderful, I felt like I received great care there.  I would have preferred to have my midwife there of course, but the doctor on call was really nice and encouraging and did a wonderful patch up job on me.  The nurses were all so helpful and sweet, and everybody did their best to respect my birth plan.  And it was really great to have so much help for the two days I was in the hospital.  I was unprepared for how completely and utterly spent and sore I would be.  It felt like I stayed up all night, then ran a marathon, then finished it off by getting hit by a truck.  I pretty much stayed in bed the entire time I was there; just taking a quick shower took all my energy.

I am healing well now, and feeling much more normal, though I am still sore and using my donut to sit.  We have a wonderful church here that has been bringing us meals and my mom came to stay with us for a week, which was so wonderful!  So far Xander is a pretty easy baby most of the time, though all newborns have to eat every few hours around the clock, so sleep deprivation is my biggest challenge right now.  Nights are hard.  Breastfeeding is going well, though I still have some soreness.  James went back to work this week, so I am adjusting to being on my own with an infant.  So far, it has been manageable.  Today we both took a 2-hour nap and it was glorious!

I just marvel at this beautiful baby; what an amazing gift we have been given.  We love him so very much.  And now I will end this post with more pictures.  I am biased, but I think we have the cutest baby ever!

Going home from the hospital